The Only One � 05.31.03
I Feel

I've had a headache for over a week now. I'm not quite sure where it came from but I don't want to complain about it. I don't want to complain about anything. I have my heatlh, I have friends, I have my family, & I have a boyfriend who loves me. And yet, even with all of that, even with all of these people surrounding me, I feel so utterly alone. There is just something inside of me. There is something that is still missing. I sit here and stare at the clock, noticing that it is very early in the morning, and yet I don't care. I can't understand how I can stay up all night, in my own solitude, and I can't stand to be awake when it's light out. I want to know what I'm hiding from. I still have no clue. I've been wondering this for years. What is it that I'm hiding from? What am I afraid of? There's so much that I think I'm keeping bottled up inside and I just don't know how to release it. I don't even know what it is that I want to release. Perhaps my problem is that anytime I get close to someone, really close, I lose them. This has happened so many times in my life already that I am just afraid to even let people know who I really am. I don't want to have this hole inside of me anymore. I don't want to feel like this. I want to change something in my life. Something. Anything. I know there is something wrong. I just don't know what it is. If I knew, perhaps I could fix it. Maybe if I could have some light shed on what exactly is going on in my life that I feel I can't control, I can change it. I just. . . I feel so alone. That's the only way to describe it. And I don't want anyone that is in my life to think that they have caused me to feel this way because they haven't. This is something inside of me that I have to deal with. This is my problem. I am the only one who can change this. I am the only one who can fix the hole that is deep inside of me. I am the only one who can figure out what is wrong. But until I do that, I just have to deal. I just don't know how I am going to go about doing that. I just want to go somewhere and think. But, at half past two in the morning and not having the option to legally drive, I cannot do that. I can't just walk somewhere because I live on a very busy road. So, I am stuck. I need to go somewhere to be alone and I can't. I just. . . God I just wish I knew how to deal with things better. I'm so afraid that if I tell someone close to me they will think that it's their fault and it's really not. It's no one's fault. Not that I'm aware of anyway. I thank God every morning for Alex. He is the only thing keeping me sane right now. He is the only thing that is keeping me going because honestly, I'm not sure if I can alone. I don't think I'm strong enough. He is my support. It's just really hard when your only support is in need of your support as well. I feel so selfish. He has worse problems than I do and right now, at half past two in the morning, all I can think about are my own problems. Problems that I can't even put a name to because I don't know what they are. I just know that something inside of me is not right. I shouldn't feel so alone. I shouldn't feel like I have nothing in the world when really, I have a lot more than most people. I just want to scream to the world that I can't take this anymore. But, I can't do that. I can't. I'd be letting too many people down. I have friends that look up to me and admire me for the strength that I portray to the outside world. But, they don't realize that it's a facade. It's a picture I've put up for everyone to see so no one sees the real me. So no one can get close to me. I want someone to be close. I just feel that, as a person, I am slowly breaking down. I'm scared. I don't want to be alone. I don't want to feel like this. I want someone to be as close to me as humanly possible. I want to be able to let someone in and there is something that is keeping me from doing that. And I know I promised Alex that I wouldn't stay up late tonight because he's worried about how much rest I'm getting, and I tried to sleep, but I just can't. I've been trying to sleep for hours now and I just cannot. I have too much stuff on my mind. The sad thing is, I don't know what it is that I have on my mind. There's just something there. This heavy boulder that is weighing me down in my mind. I just need to be me and I can't seem to do that. I mean, I'm me all the time, in a sense, but I can't truly be me until I can let this wall I've built up over the years down. I'm so afraid to let that wall down. I'm so afraid to let anyone know who I am deep in my soul. I'm absolutely terrified and I don't know what I'm terrified of. I don't know anything that is going on inside my head. For many years I was suicidal and very few people knew. Those people who did know, did nothing about it. It took something terrible to cause me to never attempt to kill myself again, but just because I won't do it, doesn't mean that the feelings aren't still there. The feelings of hopelessness are still there, deep inside. The feelings of despair, the feelings of worthlessness, everything. It's all still inside of me. Something like that just doesn't go away. It stays and festers in my soul. This isn't my cry for help. My cry for help was let out a long time ago and no one answered so I gave up on that. This is just my way of dealing, of trying to sort everything out. I don't want anyone else to feel like they have to deal with this because it's something I have to do on my own. I don't want to feel like I am pushing everyone away, and I know that's exactly what it seems like I am doing, but believe me when I say I'm not. Before I can open up to someone else, I need to be able to open up to myself. I can't do that right now. I'm trying my hardest to be able to do that, but perhaps I'm not as strong as I think. I'm the only one who can know what's going on inside of my head. So what happens when the only one who knows what is going on, or is supposed to know what is going on, doesn't know? That is what I have to figure out. I need to know what is going on. I don't know if I'm strong enough to do this on my own. But, I have to. I'm the only one who can.