Helpless Once More.. The End � Apr. 29, 2002
I Feel

"Matt, my only response to this whole thing is that I love you. I don't think I can say that a million times in a row and it ever lose meaning. I don't use love lightly and I promised myself, after Chris, that I would never fall in love again. And I tried so desperately hard not to fall in love with you but you captivated me. The distance did not matter, nothing did. Not being able to talk to you every day wasn't even a hinderance in my mind.. I could not fathom ever being mad at you for something that is beyond your control.. beyond anyone's control. You knew that it would be hard when you asked me out. It was obvious to everyone. But yet you still did. I don't know why, but you did, and by doing so, you made me the happiest girl alive. Now, as I sit here and mend the pieces of my broken heart, I have a million things running through my head that I want to say to you, but I know that I cannot, because I fear that nothing I can say will make you change your mind, if it is indeed already made up. The only thing that I can think of to say to you, or even manage to get the words out, to make you change your mind is that I love you. Love makes hard situations work. It heals all broken worlds, and it encompasses the passion that is in my eyes when I look at you.. it is the fire that drives all human beings to do strange things, when even they cannot explain why. So here I am, loving you, and saying anything possible to make you realize that I am worth trying for. This relationship is worth working for. I don't think that I have ever said something that heartfelt and meant it in my entire life.. I don't open myself up to be ripped apart and that is exactly what I just did."

Where did this come from? My conversation this evening. Matt sent me an email earlier today breaking up with me. That was my last attempt at trying to save this. He says that we will discuss this later, but I know in my heart that it is already over. I don't want it to be, but he is not going to change his mind. It is very late, I have no sleep, and I cannot sleep. I just want to know what I did wrong, so I can fix it. I do not want this to be over. I do not want my world to be shattered again. I just can't take that. I can't. So here I am, helpless, not knowing what to do with my life once more.