Just Like Me � May. 01, 2002
I Feel

I watch as the blood trickles down my wrist.
I do not care.
I do not care about anything anymore.
I feel dead inside.
Like no one can save me now.
I am scared.
I am worried.
I am alone.
My family has betrayed me.
But I am used to that by now.
Everything has always been more important than their daughter.
I was an accident.
I know that.
I accept that.
But why must they continually throw it in my face?
I didn't ask to be born.
I didn't ask to be the second child.
I don't ask for much.
I only want to be loved.
Why can't they love me?
What did I do wrong?
Why does my heart continually ache?
And why must they care about other people's feelings more than their own flesh and blood?
I didn't ask to be born.
I didn't ask to be here.
I didn't ask to live this life.

I just had yet another breakdown. These are coming more often and frankly I am terrified. I am starting to think that I should commit myself somewhere. I need to get away from all of this. I just told my parents that they were not my parents anymore. They do not act like them, therefore they should not be given the title. They shouldn't be able to tell people "that's my daughter" when I do something great. Because I am not their daughter. If I were, they would act like it instead of treating me like a red headed step child all the time. I do not feel loved. I do not feel wanted. Maybe that is because I am not. My brother has always hated me. Always. I knew it from when I was little. He never wanted me around. Only when he wanted something from me. Only when he needed me to do something, or talk to someone, or lie for him. But he never really wanted me around. No one did. Hence, I was an accident. I will always be one. There is no way that that fact will ever change.

As for the blood running down my wrist? Somewhere in this screaming battle, and me breaking a lot of things around the house, I managed to cut my hand. Badly. But, I don't care. If I bleed to death, oh well. It won't be the first time that I have almost been near death. And it can't be considered suicide. It was an accident. Just like me.