I Am an Idiot & Change Myself � May. 05, 2002
I Feel

I had the chance to have sex with Matt and I passed it up because I was tired. What the hell is wrong with me? I know that we could have taken it that far. I know that very well because I know myself. I am an idiot. I have come to that conclusion. I really truly am an idiot. I won't have another chance for at least two weeks because next weekend, I will be in New York. Damnit.

Okay so Eric and I are digging into my idiot-ness. We have dug into this rather deep in just a few minutes and have come to the conclusion, well I have come to the conclusion, that I am afraid and that it wasn't just the sleep thing because I am wide awake right now. Why am I afraid? Because I have only experienced making love and I know that Matt is not in love with me. Wait, no, I don't know that, but if he is, he sure as hell isn't telling me. Now, I am under the preconcieved notion that sex without love is rough and I do not want that. I am too fragile for that. Where did I get the notion that he will be rough as all god given hell? Because when we were messing around, he was not so gentle. It wasn't a bad thing. Don't get me wrong. It just caught me off guard. Really off guard. And I hope to hell that he isn't reading this because I don't want him to get the wrong idea. I want to sleep with him. Oh my god do I want to sleep with him. I just have to get used to the idea of sex without love. So, I have one of two options. In two weeks, I either make him more gentle, or I make myself more open to the idea of somewhat rough sex. I think it will be eaiser to change myself...