Inadequate � September 12, 2002
I Feel

I am not sure if I like the layout that I am working on. There is something missing. It seems too blank. I don't know. Maybe it's because everything is too spread out or something. Oh hell I don't know. I haven't decided whether or not I want to keep it the way I have it at the design site.

My roommate is annoying the piss out of me. She constantly has black guys here that will not leave. She also keeps her stereo on all the time with rap blaring out of it. I sit with my headphones on and listen to my emo and rock and alternative music that she hates to no end. It's sort of annoying that my stereo is barely getting any use at all because I am always on my computer and it's easier to hook my headphones up to my computer.

I realized that I feel inadequate as a person. I seriously do. And I guess I subconsciously thought that if I surrounded myself by guys that I would feel better about myself but I really don't. I just feel worse. I think that I am going to cut things off with Shaun. I just don't feel right about it. I really don't. In fact, it makes me feel like absolute shit. Maybe I will stay friends with him but I definitely don't like where we are at right now. I just don't. I've basically been stringing him along and I feel like a terrible person for it. Perhaps he is using me too. Who knows but I don't really care. It wouldn't make anything better if he were. That would just make things worse. Why do I just want to scream at the top of my lungs? I've had a terrible day and I have only had one class. I don't even know how today was so bad. It just was. Now I feel like shit. Even hanging out with Eric, Chris, and Sarah didn't help. I just kind of tried to be me when the inside I was ripping myself apart. I don't know what to do anymore and I don't like it one bit. I seem to hate my life lately. I really do.