In Review � 12.10 - 12.18.02
I Feel

I am quite aware that I haven't written in over a week but technically only four of those days were severe procrastination. It wasn't like there wasn't anything intereting to write about, I just never had the time or opportunity. I like to write alone and someone is always here. The first two days I was home, I did not have an internet connection available to me when I wanted to write because my father had not hooked me into the house network yet. So after I finally did get a connection, my brother fried my hard drive. So I was without my own computer for two days which drove me to absolute insanity. That takes off four of my days that didn't write. The other four, well I was just being lazy and didn't have the opportunity to write.

I went out for coffee/late dinner with Adam tonight. It was interesting. I honestly had a really good time. I just don't know what to make of it. I couldn't help but look into his eyes when he wasn't paying attention and it hurt. He used to look at me differently with those eyes. He saw one of his friends there and he introduced me as his friend Cryssi. I don't like being introduced like that by him. It just didn't feel right and made me uncomfortable. I don't want to be just his friend Cryssi but there is nothing I can do about that. And to make things better, the worst possible song just came through my speakers as I was writing this. All My Life by KC & Jo-Jo. Those who read my diary regularly will understand why that has significance to me and why it's a bad song to be listening to right now.

I don't know why I didn't turn the song off but it brought me to tears. I just sat here for a few minutes after I wrote that last paragraph with tears streaming down my face silently.

When I walked in the door this evening I had a smile on my face. I don't even know why I was smiling but it was a nice feeling. It really was. It was nice to be with him again. It was nice to see him and talk to him and laugh with him. Something inside of me was screaming at me to kiss him but that would have been inappropriate and I knew it. Perhaps that is what he was thinking as well but no matter, nothing came of those silent urges. I just put them in the back of my head and smiled sweetly at him from across the table. I don't know how I do it. I have no clue how I can sit there and pretend that it all doesn't matter anymore when it really does. Somehow I am able to keep this facade up and I have no idea where I get the strength to do it. This is still all beyond me. And there is nothing I can do about it.