Things I Meant to Say � 12.19.02
I Feel

It feels like the sky has fallen down on me. I want so many unattainable things right now that my mind is a clouded mess. I want to feel your arms around me again. I want to feel safe. Happy. That's something I haven't felt in a while now. I hate you because you do this to me. I hate you for that. I don't want to be just another pretty face to you. I want you to be my Prince Charming again who comes and rescues me from my own life but I know that is just a fantasy in my mind. Fantasies do not come true for me. I want to hear your voice the way I know it. I want you to look at me differently with your eyes that I used to know so well. I don't know who you are anymore. I wish I did but you will not let me in anymore. Never again will you bare your soul to me. Never again will you kiss me the way you used to. Never again will either of us be the same. I am the same person that you knew, but you.. you have changed completely from that man I fell in love with. And with that change my love for you has evolved; perhaps into something that I do not even recognize now. I don't recognize you any better than I recognize myself or my own thoughts anymore. I long for the days when we were happy, or at least everyone assumed you were happy. You fooled everyone with your masquerade including the one who loved you the most. I hate you for that as well. I hate you because you were lying to me and yourself the whole time and neither of us knew any better. I hate to be lied to. There was a time that I looked forward to this season. Now I loathe it with every bone in my body. I don't like being alone. I don't like being without you. I don't like it and there's not a damn thing that I can do about it. You have changed me more than you will ever realize. You don't even have the slightest clue what you have done to me. These are not physical changes, nor are they anything that is apparent to the rest of the world - only able to be seen by me. I would like to keep it that way but it is so hard to keep everything all bottled up inside of me. It is so hard to live like this. I don't want to live like this. I never asked for any of this. I never asked to meet you that day. I never asked for you to kiss me. I never asked for you to change my life. I was happy. I want my life back. I want my happiness back. I want me back. You stole all of that from me in a single moment and I hate you for that. All of this, this anger, is the things I always meant to say but could never find the courage to do it. So I am saying it now. All of it. And whether you like it or not, it will always be true. I still love you, but there will always be something inside of me that regrets meeting you that day. It seems so long ago now.. how easy it is to let time slip by when nothing else matters. That is what I did and I hate myself for it.