Conversations, A Weekend, & A Revalation � Jan. 24 - 28, 2002
I Feel 
I am not going to apologize for not writing in a while because well frankly, this has been a long week. My reason for not writing in five days is that Holly's grandfather died of liver cancer and I had to be there for her. I was not at school today because I was at the funeral and I wasn't leaving her for a minute. If anyone is mad at me, well they can complain to someone else because Holly comes first. She is my best friend and I
do not let her down. ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
I am going to reflect on all of the crap that has happened in between me going to the funeral home and what not. After I hung up on Paul, he showed up at my house later on that evening, drunk. After falling asleep on my lap while I talked to Jada for about two hours, he went outside and puked and I made him go home. Friday night, I was supposed to do something with Brandon and he blew me off to go clubbing and I was pissed. I went out with Ashleigh, Stephanie, and Tony for while and then I went to Sean & Thayne's house. Paul was there. Paul and I had a discussion about how we are basically like brother and sister and how it would never work. This was me telling him this and he was agreeing. I don't think that I was ever really interested in Paul like that. I mean.. it's Paul. I just can't think about him like that. I don't think that I ever will. Later on, after Paul left, Sean and I sat in his room and we talked for hours. He found out almost everything about me.. including my deepest darkest secrets that about 3 people in the world know. He told me about his father and how he died and we both started crying and we sat there and held each other for a long while. Thayne walked in and probably thought that something was going on (which my idea was confirmed this afternoon at the funeral home when I mentioned it to him and he said "Sure.. uh huh."), but there was nothing going on.
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Saturday I had rehearsal and they wrote my solo. I am a nervous wreck because I don't think that I can do it. I was supposed to go to Chris's show but I went to the funeral home instead and then we went back to Sean's house and got Holly drunk off of wine because she needed that. She needed just to be able to stop thinking for a while. I called Tony (a new guy that Jada is trying to set me up with) and asked him if he wanted to come over to meet me. He said sure and then he and I took Holly home and we just drove around and talked for a while. Then, he found out that I don't know how to drive and decided that he was going to teach me how to drive in a parking lot at 2am. I was very very scared and I got the hang of it after a while, but then I ran us into a bush and started crying. That was the end of my driving for the night. He took me home a little while after that. I came home, did a diary review, and went to bed.
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Sunday, I went to Ashleigh's for a little bit before I had to work and then I went to work. After that, I came home and sat around for a little bit, waiting for Holly to get back from the funeral home so I could go over to her house. We stayed up for a long while, just talking and watching television. Not much really happened on Sunday night... it was quite boring to be honest.
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Today was possibly the longest day of my life. I got up bright and early at 9am, preparing myself for the worst of the day. We got ready and went to the funeral home. Holly was in hysterics and I really didn't know what to do. We sat through the service and then went to the gravesite. There, Sean and I held Holly's arms so tightly that I don't think that we could have let her go if we wanted to. We went back to her house and comforted her all day. We tried to get her to smile, failing most of the time, but sometimes, we could see her crack a little. Holly and I fell asleep upstairs for about an hour and then we got up and went downstairs. We decided that we were going to rent movies. We rented "The Princess Diaries, American Pie 2, and The Pest (Holly loves that movie). I only got to watch the Princess Diaries because I wanted to come home. We are going to finish watching them all on Friday night. I went upstairs to gather up my things and Sean came with me. I told him that I was thinking about some of the things that were said on Friday night.
Me: "Promise me this. Promise me that you will never hurt her."
Sean: "I won't."
Me: "No, I'm serious Sean. She is my best friend and I honestly believe that she loves you. She has been hurt in the past and so have I and I don't want her to hurt anymore."
Sean: "I know."
Me: "I see what Chris did to me, and I don't want you to do that to her. I just don't want that to happen to her. Frankly, I don't think that she is strong enough to deal with that. Hell, I don't think I am strong enough to deal with what he put me through."
*tears steak my face, as I am faced away from him, putting things into my bag. I sniffle, and it's apparent that I am crying.*
Me: "I don't know what I would do without her. She has always been there for me. Honestly, if it weren't for her, I wouldn't be here. She has kept me from killing myself so many times."
*Sean gets off the bed and kneels down on the floor, wrapping his arms around me.*
Me: "I just don't know what I would do without you guys.."
After that, I stood up and wiped my eyes, and we went downstairs. Then we came home. On the ride home, I realized that I miss Chris. I miss him holding me, I miss him kissing me on my forehead, I miss him whispering in my ear that he loved me. I also realized that he will never grow up, and I will never have him back in my life. That thought depressed me even more. I just wish that he would care. I wish that he would come back into my life, miraculously changed into a sweet, caring guy, and that he would sweep me off my feet and tell me that he loves me and needs me as much as I need him. I do need him.. but I can't have him and that is what kills me the most. I have this sickening feeling that I will die alone, with no one to love, and no one to love me. I don't know if that is how I want to live. I just want to be confident in myself and take the world by storm. I saw the most amazing skyline tonight when we were going to rent movies. The beautiful sun had just set and the moon was shining brightly. All across the sky, jetlines streaked the horizon. Later on that evening, they were still there. They were my angels, watching over me. I want them to be my strength, my hope. I want to get through this. I want to move on. I want my happily ever after. I want my life back.
