Funny Like That � 2001-12-11
I Feel

Today was not a good day. I had to face the world and I don't think that I was ready for that. So I got up at 5:30am, did my hair, did my makeup, got all nice and semi-dressed up, and went off to school. I put on my fake smile and talked very quietly and sweetly. I was overly polite and I constantly was smiling. It was like Chris never came back into my life. I know that people saw right through me. It was like I had a sign on me that said "Feel bad for me. I have been deeply hurt." I just wanted to scream. Everyone was asking me why I wasn't at school yesterday and I was just mumbling "I had the flu. I am still sick. I have rehearsal tonight so I have to be here." The few people that I did explain the Chris situation to told me that I deserve better, that he was an asshole, that I did nothing wrong, that there are millions of guys that would love to date me, et cetera et cetera. Some just nodded politely and smiled a little, some hugged me, some patted me on the back.. I don't like the whole sympathy thing, but it's kind of nice that people care. They at least care enough to try and make me feel better. I really should be getting ready for practice but I just don't feel motivated enough. Danielle wants to talk to me there about the situation. I don't know if I have it in me to stay strong and not bawl my eyes out on her shoulder like I have done so many times in the past. She was there for me last time when he broke up with me and I tried to kill myself. She was there for me when I had the miscarriage. She has always been there for me. That's Danielle for you though. Even though she has graduated, she is still there. I guess I just need someone to hug me and tell me that it will be alright. I know that if I hear it from Dee that I can believe her. She is always right. I just wish that somehow, I can believe her. I want things to be all right. I want to be okay again. I want to be able to smile without faking it. I want to be able to care about life again. I want to teach my heart how to fall in love again. I want so many things and I do not know how to make them happen. I don't even know where to start. I guess that I just have to take life one moment at a time right now. I have to have time to heal and well. . I don't have the time to do that. I guess I might feel better after this weekend, or at least I hope I will. Let's just hope that my friends work their magic. Holly suggested to me that maybe I wasn't ready to go out and look for guys already. I told her that I had to. I have to do something to get my mind off of him and so that is what I am doing. I forgot that Kyla and I planned a VIP party at my house on Saturday night so I am going to have to call Ryan tonight and see if he wants to do something on Friday night instead. I really hope that he isn't busy because I need to get out and do some crap. I just need to get out. Sitting here and sleeping all day is really not healthy for me. By the way, the necklace I am making for Chris is starting to really look awesome. I got a lot of compliments on it today. Then again, I got a lot of compliments today on how I was dressed too so I guess I am getting a positive reaction to me being single and pretending to care what I look like. I had to practically pick Eric's mouth off the floor today when he was standing at my locker. Then in Economics I just walked in and he was staring at me and I looked at him and just said "Stop it." He blushed and turned around. I could feel his eyes on me the whole period. *shrugs* I guess that if I am going to start dressing like this regularly I will have to get used to how guys are reacting to me. And to make matters even more interesting, Phil, one of the only football players that I don't get along with, was very strangely nice to me today. Even though we are constantly at each other's throats. We just have never seen eye to eye since middle school. Life is funny like that.