Marriage, Anxiety Issues, Voice Mail, & Reviews � Mar. 05, 2002
I Feel

What do you want out of marriage?

Hmm.. this is a tough one. Happiness? Love? Security? A family? There are many things that I want out of marriage. I would love to be eternally happy. I never seem to be happy anymore and that depresses me even worse. I guess that I always had this idea stuck in my head that if I were to get married, I would always be happy because I would have love, and a family, and security... also I would have someone to snuggle up to on cold nights and someone to wake me up in the morning by kissing my forehead.. I am a hopeless romantic. I want a picture perfect, fairy tale life. I always have wanted that. I guess that is normal. Is it? Why do I want all these things though? Something inside of me, I don't know what really, compels me to search for these things and I feel that I won't rest until I find them. I want paradise. I want someone who loves me as much as I love them because I have experienced love and it is a wonderful thing. It really is. It is just that blissful feeling when you walk up your stairs singing "It's a Wonderful World" to yourself when you think that no one else is listening, that really makes me want to experience it again. Sure, my experiences with love have always turned out to be a tragedy, but perhaps that is because I make them out to be like that. Perhaps. But, who really is to say what true happiness is? I guess it's in the eye of the beholder. Different things make people happy. My happiness is just derived from being loved and accepted. Does that come from my severely low self esteem? Possibly. Now that I think about it, it probably does, considering that everything I have done in life has been done in light of my passion for approval. Funny, I just wrote a paper about hidden passions in life. ::smiles a little:: How is it that I can preach about things to do and when it comes down to actually doing them, I chicken out miserably? I always do that. I honestly believe that I have caused all of my unhappiness because every time I am happy, I manage to mess it up. Am I afraid of things being too perfect? Yes. I am.

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How did I get off track there? I tend to ramble a lot. I hate that about myself. I am never focused. That is the whole point of my Question of the Day. I want to have at least one thing that I can focus on in an entry. I feel accomplished then. I am retarded like that. No, really I am.

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I am beginning to think that my new guinea pig has severe anxiety issues. No seriously. This little guy has problems. First off, he is terrified of everything. And I do mean everything. Even if I move my hand he freaks out in his aquarium. And when I try to sleep, no matter what time of day it is he decides to freak out on me. It starts out with chewing, literally chewing on his water bottle for about 15 minutes or so and it progresses to him speeding back and forth through the aquarium, slamming into one of the walls, turning around, heading the other direction at the same velocity, only to bang into another wall. This continues for about 30 minutes, until I have covered my head up with a pillow and I am ready to scream, and then, he just stops. Just like that. But, there is nothing that I have figured out to stop him from doing this. He has issues. He really does.

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I haven't talked to Bryan yet. I am contemplating whether or not I should call him. I mean, I left a voice message last night on his phone, but how often does he check his voice mail? Guys don't usually check their voice mail on a regular basis. I have learned this through past experience. They either forget that they have voice mail, don't care, or lack the desire to see who actually wants to get a hold of them until a few weeks after the message was left. So, maybe this is the case with Bryan. It's decided. I will call him when I am done writing this. Maybe that will make me feel a little better. I can't make any other plans until I find out if he still wants to do something this weekend. Grr.. that annoys me.

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By the way, my layout for Naked Reviews was trashed by Judge-it. I was not amused. I put a nice little response in their guestbook. We didn't ask for a review, so don't review us. That's a lesson for life. Don't do something if it's not asked for. That's just wrong. And the better part is that they didn't even notify us that we were reviewed. One of our reviewers found it and freaked. Interesting. I hate people who think that they can just openly trash other people's work and get away with it. Grr... that soured my mood.