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My Mission Statement � Feb. 19, 2002 I Feel  I just finished watching Jerry McGuire. I don't know why I watched it. That movie alway depresses me. I just want my life to be like a movie. I want it to end happily. I want someone to come into my life and sweep me off of my feet, but deep down, I know that isn't going to happen. I know that Chris isn't going to come back into my life and be a changed man. I know that he isn't going to change for me - for anyone. He is always going to be who he is, and even though I loved him for that, he still could not love me. And if he did, well he didn't do a very good job of showing it. So, this is my mission statement. Living life is not about who you are with or who you have met. It is about truly being happy. Truly being happy does not mean how much money you have, or where you live, or what car you drive. Being truly happy is about loving the person that you are with completely. Finding that one person is not always easy to do, but when it does finally happen, do not let it go. Do not mess it up. If you do, you will know that you have lost your one chance. That you have messed it up and there is nothing that you can do, or say to ever change that. I know I messed up. I just don't know why I was willing to take that risk. Why was I willing to put my whole life, everything that mattered to me, on the line? Because I could only see that bad things? Because I was always so negative? No. No no no no no no no! Because I loved him goddamnit. And there is nothing that I can do now, nothing that I can say, that will ever get him back. And I know that I should just quietly retreat into the shadows like a good little ex, but I can't. I cannot let that happen. I cannot forget about his words, his embraces, waking up in his arms, him telling me that I was the best thing that ever happened to him. I cannot forget that and I won't. My heart won't let me. And I know that someday he is going to stumble across this and wonder where all of these emotions are coming from, and I don't care. I don't care if he reads this. I don't care, I don't care, I don't care. I keep telling myself that I am going to change into a better person, but I don't have the will to do that. I just wish I were happy with who I am, not who everyone wants me to be. I cannot please everyone. I know that I cannot, and yet, I still try. A friend told me that he was just scared and that is the reason that he did all that he did. I don't buy it. The second time I agreed to go out with him, I made him promise me that if anything was wrong, we would talk about it. Well, something was wrong, and we didn't talk about it. I wish then, I could have made him realize how much I loved him and that no one will ever love him like I did. Like I do. And there is nothing that is going to change that. I don't know why I feel like this, so please stop asking me. I am not going to give you an answer, so stop asking. I can't even give myself an answer. I know people tell me to move on and to forget about him, but I don't want to forget about him and I can't move on. I have tried that already and we saw how well that worked out. He is the only person who ever truly knew me and I let that go. Why did I push him away from me? Why do I always push people away? I am so afraid to get hurt, and I set myself up for it all the time. I want to stop doing that. I want to stop being so naive and so ... there isn't even a word for it. I just want to stop letting people use me, walk all over me, whatever. I just want to be happy. And for some reason, I can't. I won't let myself. I just want to change. I don't know how, or why, but I will change. And if that isn't good enough for the world, well then screw them. Each and every one of them. Because I don't need them. I don't need anyone. The only person that I can ever rely on is myself and even then, sometimes, I get let down. I set myself up to be let down.
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