Movie Reel � 05.29.03
I Feel

In the future, I have a very big decision to make. Alex would like me to move to Texas permanently. We had a discussion about it the other night. this is of course, after I finish my sophomore year in college. I have a housing contract I cannot break and I also have already been elected to offices. So, therefore, I have to wait at least another year. I'm not sure how I feel about moving down there permanently to be perfectly honest. Scared is the word I'm looking for. I know that I would be fine, and I know that I would be happy, but there's something inside of me that is still a scared little girl. I know that I must do what my heart tells me to do. Well, my heart tells me that I've found the man I'm going to marry. Yes, I can say the m-word without freaking out now. Without being scared, without feeling antsy. I have found the man I want to marry. It just kills me that I can't be with him right now. I was supposed to be flying down there tomorrow but he went into the hospital today again. They found out that the spots on his brain are cancer. He came home again, and I'm not exactly sure why, but he's going back tomorrow. This whole situation doesn't make the slightest bit of sense to me. I am just so confused. At the same time, I am terrified. Why does God have to be so unfair? Alex is the most amazing man I have ever met. Why does something this terrible have to happen to him? He doesn't deserve it. I guess, in a sense, I am angry with God. I am angry that He would do such a thing to such an amazing man. Alex doesn't do anything to hurt anyone, he's a faithful servant of God, he's caring, compassionate, sincere. . . he's just wonderful. Why should he have to suffer through such an ordeal? I'm not even sure if I am going down there for his surgery now. If he isn't coherent enough to get the plane ticket (they have him on 1200mg of morphine right now), how am I supposed to get down there? Yes, the other option is to pay for it myself, but he doesn't want me to do that. He would be very angry with me if he found out that I did. So, I must sit here and feel helpless, because I cannot be there and I don't know what's going on. I guess I will either go down there after his surgery or he will end up flying here to meet my parents, so I can move down there for the summer. I feel like my life is a movie. I always wonder if there's someone just watching all of this happen and what they think about it. Would my life be a classic love story? An action film? A horror movie? Honestly I don't know. I don't think I've lived enough to say what kind of film my life is. Someday I would like to compile a soundtrack to my life. It would be an interesting task to take on. I have several songs already that I would like to add to the soundtrack of my life. So, in this life, my movie reel keeps turning. I didn't write the script. I don't know what's going to happen next. I'm on the edge of my seat like the rest of the world. Sometimes I wish I knew what lies ahead in the plot. I wish I knew if there will be a happy ending. I want my movie to be a fairytale. I want to be the princess who lives happily ever after. Alex wants to give me my fairytale. But for now, the movie reel keeps on turning.