No Definitive Answer � 11.03.02
I Feel

I have been trying to figure out why I am so unhappy lately. I told Adam the other day that I hate it here. I am just not happy here. He didn't seem to understand. And I am not really sure why a part of me hates it here. I think it might be the fact that none of my old friends are up here. It could be other things too but I haven't figured that out yet. On the drive up here I stared out my window in search of some sort of definitive answer, knowing that I wouldn't find one. I have been thinking about that a lot lately and I am starting to believe that I am doomed to be unhappy. Maybe I am too picky when it comes to my happiness. Maybe I am just one of those constantly unhappy people. I don't want to be, but apparently I am. Who knows.

I didn't get to see Tim this weekend and frankly I am annoyed. Everytime I tried to call him, I got his voicemail. Needless to say, that did not make me happy at all. Maybe I should just forget about him. I think I might be happier that way. I just don't foresee myself being happy with him anytime in the near future. I am not sure how my feelings for him can be diminished that quickly in such a short period of time but I think it's in my best interest. When I was home, I saw a lot of old friends, some who haven't seen me in years. Everyone kept telling me how good I look. I love how everyone else seems to think that I look great but I think I look terrible. I swear, it's all part of this low self esteem thing. I really hate these mood swings I've been having. They are starting to drive me nuts. I am not sure how I can be perfectly happy with my life one day and then the next, absolutely hate existence all together. I am not sure what is wrong with me, but I would love to find out soon.