What I Have Become & No More � 2001-12-12
I Feel

Today was not a good day, again. You know, I always have the feeling that I am being watched. I mean, I know that there are some people that hate me and that bothers me a bit. I am not sure if I like the person that I have become. I mean a year ago, I hated people like me. Now I have become what I hated. I still feel though, as if people are just watching me and waiting for me to screw up. I don't even really watch myself that closely let alone have other people do it. It's weird though, because the same people that I used to be friends with for the past three years, save a select few, now hate me because of the person that I have become and the people that I am friends with. I would like to be able to say that I haven't changed but I know I have. I think I have become more of a snob in the past year than I have ever been in my entire life. That isn't really a comforting thought. I used to hate the people that would constantly make fun of others and now, as scary as it is, I have become one of those people. It's like I don't even really have my own personality anymore. I haven't the slightest idea on how to change this. I mean, I still want to be friends with the people that I am now.. I always secretly wished to be one of those people, and now I am one. I got what I wanted.. why do I hate it so much??

Lunch today was interesting. In our clique, we have a virginity band that has always been past down to one of the virgins in the group. Well, John is the only one left so he has the band. Today at lunch he was complaining that he didn't want to be the only one left. I stood up from my end seat, something I worked 4 years to get as stupid as that is, walked down to him and told him that this would be easy.

"John take the band off of your finger."

He took the ring off of his finger.

"Now put it in my hand."

He placed the small silver ring in my hand. I slid it on my finger.

"I am taking mine back." I stated strongly. He looked at me in disbelief.

"You can't do that!" he cried. I stared at him blankly.

"I want mine back and therefore I am taking it back." I stated cooly and walked back to my seat. Two of my friends gave me a round of applause. I know that I can't just up and take my virginity back.. but you know I kind of secretly wish that I could. I don't regret it because I love Chris, but in a way I do because it seems that he doesn't love me. But if he doesn't still love me, then why couldn't he tell me that the other night when I insisted that he do so when we were on the phone? Why the hell couldn't he just say those little words "Crys, I don't love you."? He couldn't do it and that is why I still believe that he loves me deep down inside. I don't believe that it was anything that I did that caused us to break up. I think that he was just making excuses. It was kind of depressing in 7th period today because our teacher said that he fell in love with his wife when he was in 10th grade. Chris is stating that he can't fall in love in 12th grade and I have seen the proof that it is possible. He did it so why can't others? Why can't Chris just wake up and smell the coffee? *sighs* I keep depressing myself more and more every day. This morning on the bus, Kyla didn't come to school so I got the back seat to myself and I was just sitting there listening to everyone talk about the weekend and what not. Something struck home. One of my friends was rambling on about being chased by the cops and it reminded me of the car ride home when Chris was telling me how he and his brother out ran the cops.

"That was the best moment of my life." he said. I stayed silent. "No, wait. It was the second. The first was when you said yes to me again. I have a feeling that number 2 will slowly move it's way down the list in the future with you."

I just want to cry right now because now that isn't going to happen. There are no more sitting in the car telling one another how much we love each other. There are no more warm embraces. There are no more whispers in the night. There is no more waking up to one another. There is no more happiness in my life. I want to move on but I can't. I think that my heart is refusing to do so. The guy that was slamming me in my last message board was right. Chris wasn't slipping away. He was being driven away. I always do that.