Normal and Healthy � 02.26.03
I Feel

Two more days until break. I am very excited. Brian told me tonight that he is leaving tomorrow. I freaked. Why didn't he tell me this sooner? I thought I was going to have a little more time with him before he left. He's not even spending the night tonight. He hasn't in a few days and that worries me. I don't know if he's getting sick of me or what but whatever it is, it's not a good thing. He's really unusually quiet lately, more than normal for him. I don't know. Perhaps the fact that he hasn't really had that many girlfriends in his life plays a role in how he acts in relationships. I am not sure how well his previous serious relationships have gone. Obviously not very well if he is with me now because if they went well he would still be in them.

Not that I am saying that I am an expert with relationships, because clearly I am not. But, I have had a considerable amount of relationships in my time to know how to react to things. I am hoping that nothing is wrong. Nothing with our relationship at least. God! I hate this. I hate constantly being afraid that something is wrong. I have severe paranoia when it comes to relationships now. I absolutely hate it.

I can remember the days when I was happy to just accept everything in a relationship. Now, I constantly question motives and words. I thought that I was traumatized by Chris. I honestly believe that I was more traumatized by Adam because at least with Chris I saw things coming. I knew how things were going to turn out near the end. But with Adam I thought everything was fine and dandy. Perhaps it is a combination of the two. Perhaps I am doomed for life to be permanently scarred when it comes to guys. That would really suck. Why can't my love life just be normal and healthy for a change?