Hanging on a Thread � September 03, 2002
I Feel

I went over Jim's place today. He was trying to cheer me up but well that didn't work very well. He got me to smile once in the four hours that I was there. I felt bad because he was actually trying to help me feel better. I am just a very hard person to make happy when I am depressed. That's kind of a bad way to explain it but I don't care. It's late and I am tired.

Last night I prayed to the Christian God. This is a new thing.. I know. I opened my heart up to God last night and I was able to sleep. This spiritual revelation is coming at a very odd time but I guess they have funny ways of doing stuff like that. I prayed tonight as well. I am starting to scare myself. But I came to the realization that I am not truly a Wiccan at heart. I have Wiccan tendencies, yes, but a lot of people do and they aren't Wiccan. I have realized that I truly am a Christian and I need to accept and welcome that. And that is what I am doing. It's a wonderful thing. Really it is.

I am trying to look deep inside of myself and find the person that I was before all of this. Before all of my stress.. before all of my aggression.. before all of my depression. I am trying to find the person that Adam fell in love with. I want to be that person again. I want to be the person he wants to be with again. I have already prepared myself for the worst but I don't want it to come to that. I really want him to just give me a chance to fix all of this because I know in my heart that I can. If he will just give me a chance to make him see that this can work..... I don't want to give up on this so easily. I just want things to go back to normal - when we were happy. I just want him to remember the talk that we had in Don's car and in the tent. Well all of the conversations that we had in the tent that weekend. I want him to remember the first movie we went to see and how happy we were. I want him to remember the talk we had in the car after that movie and trying to climb a hill near his house. I want him to remember the park behind the firehall and the vacation that we had. I want him to remember all of that and so much more in hopes that it will make him realize that this is worth working at. It is worth starting over and trying to fix things. My only hope right now is to continue to pray and just wait for him to come around. And that is what I am going to do. I am going to wait for him and continue to pray. My spiritual revelation has come and with that, my relationship hangs on a thread.