Only A Dream � 07.29.03
I Feel

I woke up trembling. It was only a dream I told myself. It was just a dream and I was fine. If it was only a dream, how did it seem so real? How did it feel like it did? How did it feel like my insides were being ripped out? When I tried to kiss him he pulled away. I was confused, shocked, hurt, and most of all scared.

It was only a dream.

I didn't understand what was going on. I didn't know why, or how, or what. All I knew is that it felt like my organs were being ground up into a blender.

It was only a dream.

I stared at him, wondering what I did. Puzzled. Why would he pull away from me of all people? I felt nauseous and my legs were shaky.

It was only a dream.

I knew exactly what brought this dream on. My brief conversation with him earlier. About how he had been pulling away from affection. About how he was afraid he was going to do the same to me. I pretended that it wasn't a big deal to me, but apparently it was. Apparently it scares the life out of me.

It was only a dream.

I walked into the bathroom and leaned over the sink. I splashed my face with cold water and looked up into the mirror. I was white as the snow. There was no color left in my face and my eyes were gray. My eyes are brown, orange, or gold. Never gray. Why were they gray now? I was freezing. I pulled a sweater on. I was still cold. I realized that I wasn't cold - I was chilled to the bone. I had goosebumps all over my skin.

It was only a dream.

I walked downstairs and logged into my computer. I needed to talk to him desperately. He wasn't online. He must be sleeping, I thought to myself. I frowned and logged off of my computer. I sat down on the couch, resigned to watching pointless television until my mind would be at rest again.

It was only a dream.

I could not shake the cold feeling I had inside of me. I shivered, staring into the screen. My mind was racing. I was exhausted. But I could not sleep. I was too nerve-wracked to sleep. How could a dream that was so simple shake someone up so much? I knew it was just a dream but why did it have to seem so real? Why did it have to hurt so bad? I needed to talk about it, but there was no one to talk to. No one. There never is.