Off on a Tangent � 10.28.02
I Feel

I've come to the conclusion that I miss writing. I used to write tons of novels and poems and now I don't even really have the will to do it anymore. I am not even sure why this desire is gone, but for what ever reason it is, I miss it. I miss just being able to sit down and create something. That used to be a huge part of my life. That changed when Chris and I broke up. It's funny how before two months ago, if I would talk about Chris I would go into this deep depression. Even if someone just mentioned his name. But now, I can talk about him and feel absolutely nothing. I even have his picture on my wall with all of my other friends. Before, I could never do that and not cry everytime I saw it. I was talking to Kelly about my innocent conversation with Adam and we were trying to analyze it but there wasn't really anything to analyze. Not that we found anyway. But if we were talking about things that went on with Chris and me we probably could have found tons of things to analyze. Like his fear of commitment. Now I am not saying that Chris is more complex than Adam because they are both deep in their own ways. Chris just seemed to show it more often. Chris and I would always be engaged in a long intellectual conversation about something or other and he wasn't even that intelligent. He was average but damn could he carry on a conversation. And then he would say something funny and off the wall and that would be the end of it. I look back on my memories with Chris now and I just smile. I like being able to do that. To just look back and smile. Because I realize now that I have grown as a person and so has he and for that short period of our lives, we grew together. No matter what I have said about him in here, Chris is truly a wonderful person. Have you last words to someone ever been "I hate you" when you actually meant "I wish you all the happiness you desire"? Yeah well I realize I've made that miscommunication several times in my life. And now I just sit and laugh because there's nothing I can do about it now. I've come to the realization that no matter how hard I try, I truly cannot change the past. I know that everyone tells you that, but up until this point in my life, I think I actually believed that I could. I know that sounds a bit strange but I seriously think that I believed that. Oh well, I have no idea where I was going with that one. Someone called me and I lost my train of thought. Don't you hate when that happens? Or am I the only person that happens to? Oh well I don't care. I think I am going to go and do some homework and ice my ankle because I twisted it a few minutes ago and it hurts.