One Year Ago Today � 11.28.02
I Feel

I really shouldn't be given the opportunity to think. Honestly I shouldn't. One year ago, I was happy. One year ago, I thought nothing in the world could go wrong. One year ago... I was with Chris. It's not all that often that I bring him up in this diary anymore, but I guess this is what happens when I am given the opportunity to think. Well that and the fact that I am listening to our song. I just popped in a mixed CD and there it was. I am not really depressed. Not as much as I thought I would be. I guess that part of me is always going to think "what if". What if I weren't such an overbearing bitch to him? What if I didn't listen to everything that everyone was telling me about him? What if I loved him just a little more? What if I were still with him? Would I be happy? I am not even sure if I would be. Hell we would probably be married by now and I would probably be living in Pittsburgh with him, going to school there. But I will never know, will I? One year ago today we had the fight that started the end of our relationship. One year ago today was the last time I ever slept with him... the last time I kissed his lips... the last time he held me close in his arms... the last time he loved me.

You never truly forget your first true love. No matter how much you want to, you can't. Part of you will never let that go. And it's funny because after all of the terrible things he did to me, I can still say that I love him. Part of me always will. My mind has a tendency to only remember all of the good memories. I've repressed all of the painful ones because I guess in a way I am protecting myself from them. I don't want to remember him as a terrible person. I want to remember him as the man I fell in love with. The man that part of me will always love. I don't think that I can do that if I allow myself to remember all the crappy things.

I've realized that if I hadn't spoken to Becca the night that Chris broke up with me I wouldn't be the same person. She gave me words of wisdom in just a few short hours that changed my life more than anything anyone could have ever said to me the rest of my life and for that, I thank her. I don't think at the time she realized how much compassion she showed to a young girl that night, and how those few hours changed my life forever. I know that I would not be the same. Perhaps I wouldn't have even moved on from Chris. It's very possible that it could have devastated me for a very long time. Much longer than it did. I know that for a long time, all I could think about was Chris and how much it hurt to not be with him. Now.. it doesn't hurt so much anymore. I can actually look back on my time with him and smile. That is what I wanted all along to be able to do. Just think of him and smile. We did have our good times. And there was a point that we were both really happy. I know that I can never get that back and maybe I can never relive those feelings with him, but I shouldn't rule out the possibility that I can have those feelings.. those same happy memories, with another person. At one point I thought that Adam was that person. I now realize that Adam was sent into my life for me to get over Chris as well as for me to realize who I truly was.

I've learned a lot about myself in the past year. I don't believe I've made it through all that I have, but it's been a fairly good year. Well I guess it has. I was depressed for a majority of it but I think it is what I needed to truly become me again. For a while, I wasn't who I a really am. I don't think I liked myself very much as sad as that is, but whatever it was, I got through it and I came out a better person. I am glad that I can think back on all of this now and just smile. It's really a comforting feeling. One year ago today, my life changed.