Personal Vendetta � 06.12.03
I Feel

Today's events were rather interesting. Tornados hit my school area, my father fed my dog a bowl of sugar smack ceral and then referred to my brother as hogboy, I slept for about 5 hours, found out that one of the Zeta Tau Alpha sisters passed away by choking on her own vomit, found out that Stephanie is sleeping with yet another guy, and Alex found out his wallet was stolen by the Mexicans that his father picked up off the street to help them move to Alabama. Alex is not in the best of moods. We are now attempting to figure out how I am getting to Alabama on Sunday. It looks like I'm not.

I got a phone call around 8:30 this evening. It was Tony. I informed him that Alex and I are getting married and that I do not have feelings for him anymore. It sounded like I was telling him off but I really wasn't attempting to. I was trying to get it through to him that he and I were never going to be together and that Alex and I are getting married but he was not understanding my point so I started yelling into the phone. It was not the easiest conversation I've had in my life, let me tell you. But I finally think he realizes that he lost his chance with me and that I have found somone else that I love very very much. I know that it won't be the last I hear from him. No, he's too persistant to give up that easily, but it won't matter because I love Alex and there is nothing that is going to change that. The difference between Alex & Tony is that Alex has never hurt me and never intends on hurting me. He only wants to make me happy and is not looking out for a personal gain from our relationship. He doesn't need me to reassure him that I love him all the time and he doesn't have to use sex as a basis for a relationship. Alex is committed to me. Tony never was. There are a million differences between them that I could sit here and list but I won't do that because I'm not looking to make someone feel bad about themselves. Those aren't my intentions at all and yet somehow it's how things will end up happening. I honestly think that God has a personal vendetta against me for all those years that I was Wiccan. "Sure Christi, I'll give you eternal salvation, but first I'm going to fuck with your head for a few years because you denounced me for so long." Doesn't that just sound peachy? Isn't Christianity wonderful? At least my fever is going down. I don't know. Maybe things will make sense in my life eventually. I doubt it, but it's a nice thought. Perhaps one day I'll be able to make sense of this whole mess that I call life. I'm really hopeful about that possibility but we've all seen where my hope gets me. Everytime something is going right, something fucks up and God just sits there and laughs at me from above. I've said it time and time again and never before have I truly believe this until now. God certainly does have a personal vendetta against me. I don't like it one bit. Does anyone have any advice on how to make God not hate me anymore?