Relationship Messes � Apr. 18, 2002
I Feel

My newest dilemma is the dreaded L-word. Yep, you got it. Love. I think that I am falling for Matt, but I have several problems with that. One, I am afraid of loving anyone now. After what happened last time, I don't think I can deal with that. My second problem is I don't want to fall in love too fast. In fact, that was one of my New Year's Resolutions. I think that I fell in love with Chris much too fast. I am not sure what did it, but I did. I was completely captivated. And now, after I got shit on twice, I have this terrible fear of loving anyone.

It's weird. Really it is. I mean, my heart won't even let me see if I am in love with him or not. It constantly keeps telling me reasons not to love him, or anyone for that matter. People keep telling me to listen to my heart, but what if I don't understand what my heart is saying?? It's really tough when you don't understand your own thoughts. What kind of person does that make me??

I really want Matt to come to my colorguard banquet, but he doesn't want to go. He told me that he would anyway because it's important to me, but I don't want to feel like I am controlling him. I am always afraid of that because the first time Chris broke up with me, he told me that I was controlling. And, I never made him do anything. So, if that was controlling, asking my boyfriend to go to something that he doesn't want to go to would be controlling as well, wouldn't it? I just don't want to mess this relationship up like I have with all of my other ones. I mean, I really like Matt. And I want to be with him. I just don't want to mess things up. I have a habit of doing that. And it seems that my mistakes get more worse every time. Why am I so terrible with relationships? I make a mess of them for myself. Oh how I hate being me..