Reflection of Childhood � Mar. 25, 2002
I Feel

One hour and 32 minutes until my 18th birthday. With this in mind, I felt it nescessary to reflect on my childhood over these past 18 years.

I don't think that I lived a very happy childhood. No seriously, I don't. I mean, yes my parents were nice to me and I had a lot of friends and what not, but I was never really happy. Hell, I am still not happy. I guess it sprung from my weight problem (yes, at a time, I did have a weight problem. I was like 30 lbs. overweight. Now I am 6 lbs. underweight.) I just always had a very bad self image. I don't think I was very pretty back then. I constantly forced myself to have a boyfriend because I had such a low self esteem, no matter how they treated me. And I changed boyfriends frequently. It never really bothered me until I got older. Now, I would much rather stay with someone that I really care about and that treats me right. A lot of my problems in life also came from my being molested twice in my life. (Both times lasted over a year, the first time when I was 5 and the second when I was 5.) Even today, I have a major problem trusting people, as well as opening up to people. I also believe that that is part of the reason that I waited so long to lose my virginity. I was never really comfortable with myself because of that. Slowly, but surely, I am overcoming all of this and I feel that I have grown into a very strong person. I am not as strong as people think I am, that is all caused by very good acting, but I am stronger than I think I should be considering my past. I guess that is all that really matters. So, how does it feel to almost be an adult? It's scary! Seriously it is. I am so used to saying that I am 17.. tomorrow I will be 18. It's a weird feeling. You wait almost all of your adolescent life for this day and when it comes, you are scared to death. Or maybe I am. And I am not even sure why I am so afraid. I shouldn't fear change. I should embrace it. But here I am, fearing it. Maybe I am just crazy. Who knows.

I hope that in the future, I will have a better control over my life than what I do right now. I want to have everything in order. I want to stop procrastinating (which is what I am doing right now because I have to write a research paper rough draft for tomorrow, that is already a day late, and I am waiting to do it tomorrow morning) because that is one of my biggest faults. I hate that about myself. I am completely unmotivated. I don't even know why. Perhaps it is because I am so exhausted. I will get that paper done though. I promise. I want to be a better person, and I intend on fulfilling that promise to myself.. somehow. Hopefully I won't procrastinate with that one! Lol.

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Matt comes home in a few days. I am excited because I get to see him. Sean, who's 21st birthday is tomorrow as well, wants to do something on Saturday night to celebrate our birthdays. His reaction was "Cool, you're finally legal. But that was never stopping me before.. it was you who was stopping me!" So I am going to go out with him sometime over break. I told him that I was busy Friday though. Jamie wants me to go to a strip club with her on Friday but I am busy. Holly wants me to go to one with her on Saturday but I am busy. So I guess that will just have to wait for a few weekends from now. Maybe we will go the night that Matt is going to that rave. Then Matt and I can do something that Saturday. That would be good. I realize now that I am rambling and I have strayed completely off of my subject, but that is okay. On that note, I am going to go to bed. Only a little over an hour of my childhood left and I am going to sleep it away. What a way to change my life.