Staying Home � Jan. 11, 2002
I Feel

I decided to stay in and drink by myself and now that I have drank all of my beer, I realize now how stupid of an idea that was. Paul and Jason left a little while ago. They wanted me to go to Kevin's house with them but I told them that I just wanted to stay in. I should be at Holly's right now, but well, I couldn't bare to do it. It would just be too hard to go there. I might give her a call, I might not, I am not sure. I don't know if I should go over there. I would probably end up staying over and I don't want to do that because I have rehearsal and a show tomorrow. I talked to Tim for a few minutes. I called him. He was supposed to stop over before his soccer game but he didn't so oh well. He also promised that he would call me back. His game is over at about 11 so I am going to call him then and see what he is doing. I would love to know why I am so ... unimportant to people as of late. Maybe they can't deal with the old me that I have become again. I dyed my hair tonight. It is now like a real dark blonde/light brown. I hate it with a passion. I really do. I started bawling my eyes out when I saw it, but well, I guess I can pull it off for a while. Everyone else seems to like it, but I hate it. I might just go and get it highlighted. I don't know what I am going to do with it yet. Maybe dye it darker.. lighter.. who knows. I am just trying to create a new me. I didn't like the old one, but I don't really like the new one either. Maybe I just don't like me. *shrugs*

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I saw how Thya seperated her paragraphs and trains of thought and I thought it was a good idea so I decided to borrow it, but add my own happy little twist to it. Maybe then I will be able to seperate my own train of thought. Oh well, I am thinking about falling asleep. Going to sleep so early would be amazingly nice but I know I won't do it. I cannot go to bed before 11 on a Friday night. I really wish I didn't stay home, I really regret that decision now. It's just well that I didn't really feel up to doing anything tonight. I didn't feel like it in the first place, but when people ask me to do something with them, I feel bad saying no. I was talking to Jada and she understands that I am just tired and that I feel like crap.

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Tim is off of school for a week so maybe we will do something. Maybe. It would be nice if we did. I can't believe that I have to work at 6:45am on Sunday. That is really really going to suck because of how early it is. And I will get stuck on express and I will want to kill myself by the time 12:30 rolls around. I really am starting to hate my job. I think it's just the fact that I have to work. I could be doing so much more than sitting there, annoyed as hell every day but there is nothing that I can do about it. I just have to suck it up and deal with it because that is life. I really wish I didn't stay home tonight....