Stop the Cycle � May. 07, 2002
I Feel

I am in Psychology class right now and bored as hell because I finished the paper that we are working on. I still have 20 minutes left in class so I figured that I would write in my diary.This is unusual though, because normally, I can't get to this server because of the block that our school has on most webpages.There are only certain computers that I am able to get to Diaryland from and this just so happens to be one of them.

I didn't think that my entry from last night saved or not because Mama called from Arkansas and it disconnected my connection, due to crossed phone lines. She was drunk as all god given hell last night when she called. But, happily it saved and I do not have to write it again. That's always a good thing.

I get to see Matt tonight, hopefully, if he is not too tired from work. I hope that he isn't because I would love to see him tonight. I have to go and order my pictures after school, then I have to go and help Holly paint her father's house, then I am going to call Matt and see if he feels like seeing me tonight. I just want a night to relax and this will be that night if I get to see Matt. Maybe we can sit around and watch movies again. That is always fun because he holds me very close and it's just wonderful. Did I mention that nothing can be wrong in the world right now? That is how I felt all day Sunday and I still feel that way. This is a great feeling. Being happy all the time. I could definitely get used to this.

Holly and I got into an argument yesterday and it ended with her telling me that I was psychotic and that I needed severe help. And she thinks that this isn't something that I already know?? I mean come on. I have been dealing wtih all of this shit for years so I think I would know best that yes, I probably could benefit from talking to someone. But hey, that won't happen any time soon. So how did this conversation come about? She is insecure in her own relationship because her cousin still wants on her boyfriend, and her cousin is a slut, who does things when people are passed out, drunk, so she decided once again, because she wasn't happy, to make sure that I wasn't happy because she is the only person who is allowed to be happy. And God forbid that someone else is happy, especially if she isn't. She has been trying to place insecurities in my head about my relationship, hoping to sabotage it. I won't let her this time.She screwed my relationship up with Chris because she was single, and then again because she was in a crappy relationship, and I will not let her ruin this one. I care for Matt a lot and I am not going to let her ruin this. I don't care if she is not happy. It doesn't give her an excuse to try and ruin my life. I am sick of it. I just really am. She needs to get over this shit because I am not going to take it anymore. I will be happy with Matt, even if it means getting rid of her from my life. This cycle has to stop.