Stood Up � August 27, 2002
I Feel

I feel absolutely terrible. I flipped out on Adam on the phone because I was annoyed that he was going to be late and then he called me when I was napping, which everyone knows pisses me off royally because I was happily sleeping and I didn't get a good night's rest last night and so I flipped and now I feel terrible. Wow. That was all one sentence. See how I ramble when I am upset? Anyways so now I don't even think that he is going to come because he sounded pissed when I hung up on him.

I just feel like I have been taking him for granted lately and I don't want to do that. I really honestly don't. I love him so much and I can't picture losing him. Well, yes I can and it would be hell. After I flipped out on him I had a dream that I had broken up with him. I woke up feeling miserable. I wish I could control my dreams so I don't dream stuff like that. It is really quite disturbing and rather disheartening. It upsets me and that is something that I can't control.

I really hope that Adam comes up. I will be crushed if he doesn't. Really terribly crushed. Why am I so worried about this? Oh I know! Because now I am afraid that if I am so bitchy towards him that he will break up with me and I don't want him to do that. I really really don't. I guess that is my biggest fear right now. Funny. I have so many things to fear right now and I fear my boyfriend leaving me. Well that is a valid fear isn't it? Once you get into that safe zone of blissful happiness, you start to feel insecure. Is he going to leave me? What does he really think of me? Does he still feel the same as he used to? What will he think if I do this or say that? That is what I am going through right now and I don't like it one bit.

I am listening to the Queen of the Damned soundtrack. It isn't really helping my mood any. Well what did I expect? It's freaking death music for Christ's sake! And now that I am looking at the clock, I am realizing that he is not coming. So I am going to go and sit on my bed and cry because my boyfriend is standing me up.