Take Me Down � September 03, 2002
I Feel

I have not spoken to Adam yet. I think that he is avoiding me now. I don't know why. I just get this feeling. And to make matters worse, everytime I pick up the phone to call him, I get ill. Like physically ill. I am that worried of what I am going to hear that I have puked like three or four times today. It's starting to worry me. I guess I will just have to deal with it though because there is nothing that I can do about it. Holly is going to talk to him tonight and give me an update. I just.. god I just want him to call me and tell me he loves me. But I am afraid that he is not going to do that. I am ill right now just writing this. It has gotten so bad that even thinking about it is making me sick to my stomach. I keep getting chills and then I get really hot and I just have a migraine and it is terrible. I just want to feel normal again. Holly said that the pain would go away soon. That it wouldn't last that long, but well she is also the person who told me to make it seem like this doesn't bother me. That is the reason I called him today and yesterday. Not to make him feel smothered, as I fear that he is, but to make him realize that I do still care. I fear that if I listen to Holly and make it seem like I don't care well then he will think just that - I don't care so what is the use staying with me?

I just want to wake up in the morning and have my boyfriend back. I really do. This is hell for me and I don't like it. I am still hanging on a thread and it is affecting me every where. I can't even think to study and I don't want to go out. I just want to sit here and cry and that is all I have been doing. My life has come crashing down and I have let it take me down with it.