The Curse � 03.06.03
I Feel

Today I remembered something that Holly did last night. While I was helping her with her English she was writing everyone's names on her notebook because she was bored. She asked me how to spell Brian's last name and not thinking, I told her. A few moments later I realized what she was doing. I tried to stop her but it was too late - she had already done it. I stared at what she had written in her notebook. Christina Shepard glared up at me in purple marker.

"Damnit Holly! Why'd you have to go and do that?!"

"Do what?" She obviously didn't know about the curse so I decided to just mutter "nevermind" and drop it. Now why should I be so worried about Holly writing a name on a piece of paper? It doesn't mean anything does it? Well, it does. You see, everytime I am dating someone and I put my name with their last name on paper they end up breaking up with me a few weeks later. It never fails. I am cursed. This may seem silly to other people but when it starts to happen over and over again you start to put two and two together. So, the curse has been set in motion and I won't be surprised if he breaks things off soon. Although it didn't look bad together. Actually it looked rather nice. Holly agreed that it looked really good. Who knows. Maybe this time I will be proven wrong. I truly hope I am. He really does make me happy and I hope he realizes that. I just don't want to lose him.

In the same can of worms I have another problem. I've been thinking a lot lately about the dreaded L word. Now, I'm not saying that I ... *gulp* love ... Brian. I'm just saying that I can see that the strong feelings I have for him now could develop into that. I had a dream the other night that I told him I loved him and he laughed at me, telling me that he could never love me. That is my biggest fear with this relationship. I am just so paranoid that I am not able to be loved. So many men have told me they loved me in the past and all of them have borken my heart. I just don't want that to happen again so I am always very careful about what I say to my significant others. I would love to be completely honest with Brian about my feelings for him but I cannot. I am too afraid to get hurt. I am just not sure how strongly he feels about me and I don't want to scare him off for whatever reason. Perhaps he feels more strongly for me than I am actually aware of and if that is the case I wish he would make me aware of it. I just want him to hold me in his arms and tell me that he loves me. But I am well aware that the moment I long for is not in the near future. So, I shall sit and wait paitently for Brian to fall in love with me.