Too Young � 03.14.03
I Feel

I love how people have been trying to bitch to me about how shitty their week has been and they just don't even know. It's a bit hard to top someone's boyfriend breaking up with them on Monday, having him insult the hell out of you on Tuesday, have a seizure on Wednesday and then watch your 12 year old cat die, then on Thursday you develop an awful cold sore (curse you Mither for passing your cold sore genes onto me. Curse you to all hell) and then having disgusting people try to have sex with you on Friday. I am just glad that the week from hell is almost over. I am not going out anymore tonight because of this God awful cold sore that makes me look like I have Ebola. Kim and Joe got a motel and Jim and I went over there to drink and smoke with them for a little while. Then I got bored and we came home. I just watched televison all night and sat around on my ass, getting fat. Isn't that a lovely ambition I have decided upon? I have decided that I am just going to get fat. I don't care anymore. Guys are just assholes. And I don't even see any hope right now with Tony.

He told me last night that he was afraid to come down and see me. He told me he'd be nervous. I couldn't even fathom why. He told me he's nervous because this counts. I mean it touched me but what if he ends up hating me too like all the rest of my guys in my life that I actually give a damn about. I mean sure, I have tons of guys that are interested in me but the question is, am I interested in them? In most instances, no. Sure a lot of them are cute but that isn't the only thing I look for. Everyone keeps telling me that Brian wasn't my type, the more they find out about him. I don't know. I guess in a way I knew he wasn't really my type to begin with. I mean he's so God damned innocent. It was starting to drive me insane. He was never spontaneous, he never wanted to do anything dangerous, and I don't know. I guess in a way he bored me. And I am not just saying all of these things because he broke up with me. There was always that little voice inside of my head that I kept ignoring because I wanted him to be my type. He was able to make me happy but I also knew deep down inside he wasn't for me. I just didn't want to come to terms with that. I guess that is why it doesn't really bother me that much right now that he broke up with me. He never wanted to go out and have fun. He always wanted to stay in and either watch television, do homework, or read. I like to read but I would much rather go out with my friends. He just bored me sometimes. I don't know. It just seemed like we were gah.. dare I say it, married. I don't want that. I am too young to be married! It felt like we had been married for forty years or so and we were constantly sitting on our front porch in rocking chairs, sipping tea, retired. I mean GOD! Learn to live a little! I will give him this though, the sex was absolutely amazing. I have to force myself not to think about it. I wonder what he wrote about me in his journal.. I guess I will never know. Unless of course I track down his decendents after he dies.