Unfounded Fears � 03.04.03
I Feel

I have this very deep rooted fear that when I return from Spring Break that Brian is going to decide that he does not want to be with me. This is a very unsettling feeling. I know that if he reads this he will wonder why I fear this so much but it is very hard to explain. I fear that he tires of me very easily. I've noticed in my previous relationships that men tire of me extremely quickly, as if I were some sort of plaything of theirs. Perhaps I am too overbearing, nagging, annoying, et cetera. I cannot really pinpoint what the cause has been in the past. My life would be much easier if I had already been able to grasp that idea. But alas, I haven't and so I am stuck wondering.

There are several reasons as to why I believe that Brian is tired of our relationship already, the first one being that he has been overly quiet as of late. I don't mean now, because we aren't around each other right now due to break, but I mean before we left school. For a solid week he hardly had anything to say to me. I base this on how much he would talk to me before we were dating. My second reason is his lack of desire for sex as of late. There was a time when he couldn't keep his hands off of me. Kissing him aroused him. Now, I am not so sure. He would much rather spend the night at his place than with me from what I have been gathering and for some reason that sends off alarms in my head. I am hoping that he just needs a little bit of space and that Spring Break will give him the space away from me that he needs.

My third reason to this theory is the very thing that I hope gives him the space that he needs from me - Spring Break. I fear that he is spending a week basically as a single man again and that he will want that freedom back. I don't have him whipped or anything, don't get me wrong. And he is free to hang out with whomever he wants but there is still that bit of control that we have over each other and perhaps he doesn't want that. I make a conscious effort not to be controlling because that is the type of personality that I possess. I know that I have lost relationships in the past because of this aspect of my very being but I refuse to let it hinder another possible wonderful relationship.

My fourth fear is that he has spoken to his sister, mother, friends, et cetera and they do not like me. Granted, I have only met his sister briefly, I do not know his mother, and I know very few of his friends at school and none of his friends from home but I am afraid that they will tell him the same thing that my friends have told me - "I don't see this relationship lasting." I am not sure why my friends have told me this and frankly I don't want to know why. I just want to be happy with Brian and they always seem to find the bad things in relationships. They never tell me what they think will work - it's always negative feedback. I don't think that I have terrible taste in guys. Brian is an amazing man. He's intelligent, compassionate, caring, tender, sweet, funny, attractive, he makes my heart flutter, he's an excellent listener, the best sex I've ever had, and he takes note of details. There are so many good qualities that I could list here that it would consume several entries of mine but I do not wish to bore anyone with how wonderful I think my boyfriend is. Wait, correction. How wonderful I know my boyfriend is.

In a sense, I don't believe that I deserve him. I've never really had a very high opinion of myself. I've never quite put my finger on what causes my low self esteem and I probably never will. Perhaps it's because I've been used so much in my life. Hell, I don't know.

Yet another fear that still looms in the back of my mind is Erika. Yes, I met the girl and I don't really have much of an opinion on her, but I am sure that she is a very nice woman. The reason I still fear her is that I have this sickening feeling that she has the power to take Brian away from me. She was in his life before me and I know that he had very strong feelings for her. Frankly I don't know why he chose me over her. I didn't really want to ask because that could have opened up a whole new can of worms that I don't want to play with.

All of these fears are most likely completely unfounded, and I hope they are. I honestly do. I want more than anything for this relationship to work out. I cannot believe how lucky I am to have Brian in my life, let alone as my boyfriend. What's a nice guy like you doing with a bad girl like me?