Words To Live By � 12.01.02
I Feel

I am finally back at school. I say finally like I actually want to be here. I enjoyed just sleeping until when I wanted to. I enjoyed not having to worry if I had homework or not. I enjoyed being home. But now I am here, if only for ten days, but I am here none the less. I started to write an entry yesterday but I forgot about it and never finished it. I was talking to Adam yesterday afternoon and I became depressed. He started talking about memories from our relationship. He never brings up our relationship. It didn't hurt that I was also listening to the CD that he made me when I started talking to him. I hate when things like that happen. I am going to try and do something with him when I go home for Christmas. It will be nice to see him again. Perhaps we can go out to Starbucks for coffee or something. Who knows. Alexandra, Chris, and Scott think I should ask him back out. I definitely don't think that's a good idea. I know that he doesn't want to be with me anymore. I am okay with that I guess. Who am I kidding? I am not okay with it at all. I just want to turn back time and change things. I didn't want to be such a bitch and yet I was. I wish I could make him understand that it wasn't anything that he did and it wasn't anything that I normally do. I am back to normal and he can't see that. All he is going to see is the person that he grew to hate. I don't want him to be like that with me though. I want him to see the person that he fell in love with again. I just wish that I could turn back time. But, I know that's impossible. Sometimes I would like to live in a fairytale but I don't believe in fairytales anymore. I used to.. when I was with him. That is exactly what is was. A fairytale. It was everything I always wished for and more and I fucked up. But then again I should be used to that by now. I always fuck up the things that mean the most to me. Fairytales can't exist in my world. The people around me won't let that happen. Why don't I change the people around me? Because it's the world and you can't cut the world out of your life. Unless of course I become a hermit. That might be interesting. You can tell that I am fighting a battle in my head when I contemplate becoming a hermit. I have moved on with my life but there is something inside of me that still makes me sad when I think of him. I guess I am just depressed because I know what could have been. Don't cry because it's over. Smile because it happened. Those are words that I wish I could live by.